How To Support A Partner With Ptsd
You can start by educating yourself on your partner’s PTSD symptoms and treatment options, as this can be a way to work through the PTSD together, says Beecroft. This might help you anticipate and more effectively help your partner manage triggers when they occur.
But don’t just ask your partner about their triggers actively try to understand them. Ask yourself things like: “Is this environment safe and comforting for my partner?” and “How will my partner respond to this, based on how I’ve seen them previously respond?”
The more you communicate about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options of a partners PTSD diagnosis, the better you’ll be at offering support.
Another thing: Since people with PTSD may tend to isolate or withdraw themselves, something as seemingly small as spending quality time with them without your phone around can be comforting. And, as with most things in life, being a good listener and practicing active listening skills makes a big difference.
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Couple’s therapy is another option, as this could help you both communicate more effectively with a licensed, trained professional walking you through it, but don’t forget about individual therapy too. This will give you space to process your partner’s emotions without internalizing it.
Helping Your Partner Heal Trauma Through Treatment
Professional treatment for complex PTSD takes much the same form as treatment programs for other forms of PTSD, although the symptoms unique to C-PTSD are addressed as well. The intention of treatment is to restore power to the traumatized individual to mitigate the damaging effects of the symptoms and help them reconnect with their everyday life.
Treatment may include the introduction of grounding techniques to help patients connect with the present moment instead of dwelling on past trauma, plus psychotherapy methods such as cognitive behavioral therapy to learn healthier ways of coping and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing to desensitize patients to the effects of traumatic memories. Antidepressants such as Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac may be prescribed to help regulate depression and feelings of severe anxiety caused by the condition.
Be aware that recovery can be slowafter all, your partner is not just receiving treatment for the effects of a single trauma, but for a series of ongoing and repeating traumas. Residential mental health treatment centers are highly useful for treatment, as they provide a supportive and healing environment with around-the-clock care to stabilize symptoms and help individuals learn new coping strategies. Treatment for complex PTSD may take several weeks or months to complete.
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Remember That Words Matter
PTSD sufferers live in a particularly delicate place. Managing the mental and environmental triggers, traumatic re-experiencing, anxiety, and low mood can get to be too much. A partner who is compassionate and careful not to take many of their responses personally makes a big difference.
That isnt to say that abusive language or emotionally flooded conflict should be tolerated. Be honest and communicate that his or her words are hurtful. But recognize, too, that PTSD is intense and deeply internal, not something your partner is trying to do to you. Offer each other grace and forgiveness often, while you are pursuing treatment. Concentrate on listening more and fixing or controlling each other less.
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Emerging Research With Oef/oif Veterans
The published research on OEF/OIF veterans and their intimate relationships has been mostly descriptive in nature. Using data collected as part of the large longitudinal Walter Reed Army Institute of Research Land Combat Study , Milliken and colleagues documented a four-fold increase in reported interpersonal problems from the first to second waves of assessment in their longitudinal study of over 88,000 Soldiers who served in Iraq. The authors comment on the cumulative burden of mental health problems on family relationships, call for greater mental health resources for family members, and suggest that family members can serve as an important conduit to treatment to overcome the documented stigma associated with military service members and veterans accessing mental health care.
Consistent with this study, Sayers and colleagues found high rates of family difficulties among recently returned veterans who screened positive for mental health problems in a VA outpatient treatment clinic. More than three-quarters of the married/partnered service members in their sample reported difficulties with partners or children. PTSD and major depression were especially associated with difficulties in family role adjustment.
Educate Yourself About C
Not sure where to go? A great place to start is this FAQ about complex trauma. While its written with survivors in mind, its still extremely useful for loved ones who arent sure what this C-PTSD stuff is all about.
I also think that this Wikipedia article on C-PTSD is one of the better online resources, along with this book that I mentioned earlier on in this piece.
Ask your loved one if theres a particular resource that theyd like you to familiarize yourself with, or if theyre open to having a conversation about how complex trauma affects their life and relationships. If theyre interested in a conversation, make sure that youre committed to holding the space for whatever emotions might arise, and that your approach is validating and compassionate.
Pete Walker also has a great resource on the concept of co-counseling, which offers a nice structure on how to have these conversations in a productive and safe way. Id highly recommend it. You can also reach out to a therapist to facilitate this conversation between you if more guidance would be helpful.
Part of supporting a survivor is being open to learning and realizing that this learning is an ongoing process, rather than a single event. Theres no singular article or resource that will give you the expertise needed to support someone rather, in the process of building trust between you, youll teach each other how to create a mutually safe and supportive space.
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Ptsd Alive In The Body For Years After Traumatic Events
Our danger detection system, which is also called our autonomic nervous system is the reason why someone with PTSD can get triggered months or years later. Your autonomic nervous system can pick up on perceived threats and gives your body cues that something dangerous is about to happen. This way your body is more prepared to react. Whether that reaction is to fight, run, or freeze in an attempt to survive. With some people, the autonomic system can get stuck into the fight/run/freeze mode in an attempt to survive. The frozen mode is considered immobilization which is a dorsal vagal response within the parasympathetic nervous system.
What To Do When Someone With Ptsd Pushes You Away
It can be hard to know how to support someone with PTSD when they are pushing you away. It can feel hurtful and confusing for you, but its important to understand that when they are triggered and having a PTSD episode, having a hard time regulating their nervous system, they are going to need space, help, and support to calm down and have their body and mind remember that they are safe.
Its important that you support them through this and remind them of your love and your presence. Showing that you are reliable and available can be really helpful. It is also important that this is communicated in a sensitive way, as language is a big part of connection. Using language that helps them feel supported, validated, and recognized can go a long way as well. What you see on the outside is not necessarily what is happening internally, so being mindful that your perception may not be their reality is key.
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Challenging Feelings & Beliefs
People with post-traumatic stress disorder are inclined to experience feelings and beliefs that can be difficult to handle. In many cases, they may feel unable to trust anyone, and they often feel misunderstood by everyone in their life. This can make sustaining a healthy relationship difficult .
Your partner may experience bouts of intense sadness, guilt, anger, or shame related to a past traumatic event. They may believe that theres nowhere safe for them to be, even when theres no direct or real threat in front of them.
How To Build A Healthy Relationship With Someone Who Has Ptsd
Though it may be challenging at times, it is totally possible to create a healthy relationship with someone who has PTSD. The key is understanding, clear communication, and compassion, says Douglas.
First and foremost, you should set up times throughout the week to check-in with each other. You can ask questions like: “How are you feeling?” and “Is there anything you want to bring up or address that happened this week?” since communication is key in navigating any type of relationship.
It is also beneficial to establish a healthy routinemaybe by cooking, cleaning, and/or eating together, says Beecroft. Structure and routines help provide a sense of safety and security. Minimizing stress also allows for your partner to be in a relaxing environment where self-care can be embraced.
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Dating someone with PTSD may also require you to be patient and flexible. For example, sometimes people with PTSD may need to alter plans, especially if they’re triggered and having a hard day, says Fraga.
In general though, just be a loving partner: Offer to provide space when they need it, avoid giving advice or feedback that they didnt ask for it, and don’t minimize their feelings or tell them how they should feel,” says therapist Patrice N. Douglas, PsyD.
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Complex Ptsd And Romantic Relationships
Complex PTSD and romantic relationships can combine and inflame your stress, confusion and fear. Under the best of circumstances, relationships are challenging. And how many times in anyones life qualify as the best of circumstances? There are countless factors that can impact your romantic connection. Mental health issues are certainly on that list. And for someone who is recovering from Complex PTSD, intimate relationships are typically triggering.
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder differs from PTSD in that it results from ongoing, repeated exposure to traumatic events. These events might involve chronic abuse usually during childhood. As adults, people with unaddressed C-PTSD face a wide range of uncomfortable symptoms. In addition, because much C-PTSD results from early childhood trauma, it can wreak havoc on your romantic relationships.
Common Ptsd Triggers In Relationships
PTSD triggers may vary from person to person, however there are some common triggers to be aware of while in a relationship with an individual who has PTSD, such as:
- Sensitivity to large crowds
- Fear and anxiety around the source of the traumatic event
- Becoming emotionally overstimulated
- Panic attacks during times of conflict
- Certain phrases and communication styles
- Situational triggers: how conflict is handled, tone of voice, volume of voice
- Non-verbal communication
- Intimacy at certain times or differences in intimacy expectations
- Lack of boundaries
Dr. Lee encourages, If a partner is sharing something about their trauma or symptoms, the most important thing is to provide some positive comments about their sharing with you. Sometimes it may seem like a burden to solve a problem than can be chronic. You dont have to solve it yourself, because PTSD is complicated and even trained professionals have to work pretty hard with their clients. By providing some positive feedback about the act of sharing, such as thanking the person for their trust, that helps assuage feelings of guilt that come up with PTSD.
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Living Together Feels Incompatible
For couples, moving in together can feel like a quantum leap forward in your relationship. If your partner is struggling with C-PTSD, cohabitating carries with it a fair number of obstacles. You may notice them undergoing some pretty dramatic mood swings. One minute can find you defending something innocuous that you said. The next minute, your partner may slip into a dissociative state. Living together can be more complicated if your partner struggles with a health condition that is trauma related.
A Few Things You Can Do If Your Partner Has C
- Try Your Best to Not Take Things Personally: Yes, this is easier said than done. But it can go a long way in soothing both of you.
- Learn More About C-PTSD: Self-education is key. Also, learn more about your partners specific needs and triggers. Learn what C-PTSD is.
- Practice Self-Care: You need to safeguard your mental and physical well-being. Maintain regular sleep patterns. Make healthy eating choices. Engage in daily activity and exercise. Develop some relaxation techniques.
- Be Consistent: Someone with C-PTSD responds well to predictable patterns and habits.
- Respect Boundaries: But also, be sure to set and enforce your own boundaries. Make this an ongoing conversation between you.
- Talk About Consent in Terms of Intimacy: Get things out into the open in terms of your intimacy and your sex life.
- Encourage Them to Seek Professional Help: Simply put, your partner needs professional treatment, not judgment or unreliable support.
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For Loved Ones Of Ptsd Survivors: How To Help Your Loved One
It is not easy to watch a loved one endure the emotional darkness of PTSD. You will feel the strain on yourself, as well as on your relationship. Know that your relationship is importantnot only in the way it has always been, but also in the sense that it may be the only fuel that drives a person with PTSD to safer harbors. Your relationship brings self-esteem, coping support, and a relief from the feelings of isolation.
VA provides a list of resources to help you as you stand by your veteran, help them with their PTSD, and rescue your relationship.
Learn Your Partners Triggers
Before trauma therapy, there might be many things that trigger your partners severe trauma symptoms. Your partner might be particularly sensitive to any triggers if they are feeling overwhelmed, or if an anniversary date related to the trauma is approaching. Learning what these triggers are and supporting your partner in healthy ways can help them feel less alone, and be better able to cope.
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Tip : Be A Good Listener
While you shouldn’t push a person with PTSD to talk, if they do choose to share, try to listen without expectations or judgments. Make it clear that you’re interested and that you care, but don’t worry about giving advice. It’s the act of listening attentively that is helpful to your loved one, not what you say.
A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past and move on. Instead, offer to talk as many times as they need.
Some of the things your loved one tells you might be very hard to listen to. Its okay to dislike what you hear, but its important to respect their feelings and reactions. If you come across as disapproving, horrified, or judgmental, they are unlikely to open up to you again.
How To Support A Romantic Partner Who Has Ptsd
There are actually some simple, concrete strategies that can help.
Disclaimer: The following suggestions regarding how to date someone with PTSD may not be helpful for every person who has PTSD. Please contact a licensed therapist who can better help your individual needs, or visit websites like NAMI and NIMH, which offer treatment options and various resources.
As someone living with PTSD, dating can be extremely triggering at times. Whether I’m in the grocery store with my partner or being intimate with him at home, my trauma always comes up in some form. Sometimes my mind goes numb, sometimes I cant speak, and sometimes I just feel frozen.
Basically, I live in a constant state of flight or fight mode, meaning my body and mind perceive everything to be a potential threat. Its as if Im waiting for something bad to happen at any given moment.
But before we dive deeper into how PTSD and dating intersect, let’s start with the basics.
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How To Support Someone With Ptsd Who Pushes Away
When they are in a sympathetic nervous system state and they are angry, confrontational, or wanting to flee from you. You must understand this state does not allow them to just calm down. It is important for them to be seen and acknowledged at this time. They are in fact experiencing something that is upsetting and frightening to them. Letting them know youre there for them and by their side can be very helpful.
Its important to respond with kindness if they continue to push you away. Do your best to do so without judgment. Continue to show them that you do care for them and love them. Allow them to see you want them to know they are not alone and you can see they are struggling right now. If they can be around you at this moment in time, it would be most helpful. It would help ground them, and being that you have a non-judgemental stance it can also help reassure them that they are safe, loved, and even protected.
Here are some specific language and phrases you can try:
When a person comes out of the fight/flight or freezes mode, which can potentially be hours or even a few days, you may want to have a conversation with them. When conversing with them make sure you are coming from a non-judgmental place and you show compassion. You may want to suggest they seek help from trauma-informed mental health professionals. Especially, if they continuously keep experiencing being stuck into fight/flight or freeze modes.